Loving the process of Life

Kollin is an "only" child... as you all know.  We love him with all our hearts and cannot imagine life without him.  The past two years have been a struggle for us in the child arena though.  While we love being Kollin's parents we would love to give him a sibling.  Two years of struggling on this front has worn us out enough to say...we need a break or we might be done trying.  There is no shame in this. 

This complicated decision has changed a lot in me.  I have stopped beating myself up for what I cannot provide him and started loving what my day to day life is.  Having an "only" child has so many negative stigma's attached to it. I had a hard time getting over them.  Now I see them for what they are...possibilities.  Once I become down about one stigma or the other I find another one that I love.

For instance:  this weekend Ken and I worked on the back splash in our kitchen.  Well, Ken worked on it all weekend. I got to play with Kollin.  Ken needed some help Sunday for about an hour so I had to convince Kollin it was OK to be by himself for a bit.  This is a struggle.  No three year old wants to play by themselves.  Most other children have a built in "playmate" in their siblings so Mom and Dad can have time to focus on something if needed. We are Kollin's built in playmate. This got me down.  If only we were successful and had another child, Kollin wouldn't need a playmate in me and Ken so much. He would also have that "confidant" when he gets older.  My siblings and I were each other's safe place.  We could talk about what "unfair" thing our parents were doing or vent about something in school or a friend. Out built in friend to go to whenever we needed it.  A single child doesn't have this.  I was kind of sad and self reflective a good part of the day.

Monday changed everything!  Kollin gets to go to gymnastics on Monday (something we may not be able to provide for him if we had more than one child).  As I sit in the room, watching him through the glass, I notice that I am one of the only people laughing and enjoying all that is going on in class.  Why is that?  Because almost every other parent in there had another child to share their attention.  I was able to soak up every minute of his class, his silliness, his shoving match, everything!  While another child is a blessing it also would have taken away from being completely present with my little man.  I would miss so much just because I had to share my focus. Some consider this Spoiled. I consider it lucky and loved.

It is funny how life works.  I get down about something and it steals away some of my daily joy if I allow it to.  If I wait for a bit,  something equally as exciting will happen to restore it.  Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Stereotypes

Being a parent of an only child has me thinking a lot of this specific stereotype.  An only child is: not social, not good at sharing, doesn't do well in team sports, will never have a successful adult relationship, the parents spoil them, the parents are too involved..... the list is endless.  Some of them are little out there but you get the idea. 

We are currently researching schools for Kollin.  One of the first questions they ask is how many kids we have.  I don't know exactly why but it seems like a key question.  It makes me wonder if they are immediately seeing him as the stereotypical only child. 

No one wants their child to be typecast. My life for him consist of fighting those stereotypes.  He is social, he makes compromises, he listens well to authority figures, he plays well with other children, he is a good kid. There are a lot of things we are able to do because we have "only one" that others are not able to do. We are so very thankful for this.

As I fight this stereotype it makes me think of the ones I have fought for myself.  The stereotypical girl/woman, the stay-at-home mom/working mom, Mormon/Non Mormon, tattoos, supporter of gay (human) rights... again, the list is endless.  We all have things we have to struggle with to make us who we are.  We learn from our past and build on it to make a better future.

My hope is that I will be able to rise above ALL stereotypes. I want to know people for who they truly are; not what I believe they should be.

I am enough

I have spent a lot of time getting used to being me.  Me changes. Sometimes I am Kollin's mom, Ken's wife, That girl, Aunt Angie, Sister in law, friend.  One thing I always am, is Changing.  I have had to learn to accept myself for who I am and not beat myself up over what I am not or who I am not pleasing today or my past mistakes/choices.

Society, family, friends... you name it: they are constantly judging me for who they believe me to be. Then they act accordingly toward me.  I am a mom of ONLY one child, I am not religiously affiliated, I have tattoos, I drink on very rare occasions, I am skinny, I am mostly vegan.... the list is endless.  Play dates are not fun because all the moms do is compare to find out who is better at what, how their child excels over mine. I hate comparisons. Why can't we all see that we are all doing what is best for our families with the tools we have? 

My therapist (yes, I have been seeing a therapist), told me to read a book by Brene Brown called "The gifts of Imperfections".  It is all about accepting yourself for who you are, cultivating joy, and living with your whole heart.  In order to do this you have to truly love yourself and be willing to be vulnerable and judged. This book reached out to me in so many ways.


Last night, I did a guided mediation. I set out to meet my future self. As I went down my path I decided I didn't want to meet my future self today.  Instead I decided to take a small side path and enjoy it for all the beauty there was. I love meditation and the peace it gives me.

Today: I am enough.  I love my life. I love being a mom of one (this is big for me).

Hogle Zoo

Krys, Jay, Christopher and Dalin come and stayed with us over Memorial day. We had such a great time with them. Ken and Jay had to work on Tues and Wed so Krys, the boys and I all played while they slaved away at the office.

Monday the boys (with the exception of Kollin) went out to Miller sports park and watched the super bike races. Us ladies went to Ikea, Sams Club and Harmons...shopping but not the good kind.

Tuesday Krys and I took the boys to Hogle Zoo. Kollin is still to little really know what is going on but he did pretty well. Topher and Dalin are so cute with him. They take turns pushing the stroller, holding him, playing with him, showing him the monkeys, feeding him... it is so cute! Here are a few pics of us at the bird show and on the carousel. I love this picture of Dalin on the carousel! He is such a happy and social kid. I just love to be around him. Christopher has my diaper bag/back pack. He just loves kids. I cannot wait to see him as a daddy some day. He is in the young marines right now. HooRah! Poor Kollin was not excited at all to be on the carousel! he wanted off that moving thing. Dalin was on one side, Christopher on the other and Krys and I in the middle with Kollin. He was not happy that I left his side to take some pictures. Poor kid!

I just realized that I don't have a single photo of my BIL Jay. I have to get one. They all live in Colorado right now but we have seen them a lot more in the past year than any year previous. I am so glad!! I just love spending time with them. Thanks for coming to stay with us Guys!!! You are welcome at our home ANY TIME!

Jay had been telling me that Utah doesn't have any trees. So, after Hogle zoo, I put Kollin down for a nap. Krys stayed home with him while Jay and I went for a drive. I SHOWED HIM!!! Now he is love with Utah and is contemplating moving here. HOORAY!!!! I wont count my chickens before they hatch but that would be really cool!

Blogger or Facebook

I was told that people either Blog or Facebook (don't you love that these words are now verbs). Now that I am in both "worlds" I get it. You Facebook if you want a quick glimpse. Everyone "posts" one liners so to speak. They let you see a short glimpse into their day and share glimpses into their "friends" lives. You Blog if you have more than a one liner to share.

For instance:
On face book you would post a picture of your gas gauge on empty.
Your blog would have a story about how you ran out of gas and had to walk four miles with your child on your hip up hill both ways and it started to rain...
(No this didn't happen to me, just giving examples)

I think there is still room for both. I do notice, however, that once people start "facebooking" the "blogging" seems to slow down or stop all together. Why is that?

So, I want to hear from my followers. Are you a "Facebooker" or a "Blogger" and why??

40th wedding anniversary party

My Mother and Father in Law just celebrated their 40th wedding Anniversary! Kirby asked Ken and I to plan them a "shindig" to celebrate and he wanted to surprise Chris so not to tell her quite yet. SO, since January, Ken and I have been planning, planning and planning some more. It took me 2 months to do it, but I was able to get the church where they got married 40 years ago. It is a little chapel by Brighton Ski Resort - such a cute little ward house.

We decided we wanted photos to be the main decor. We wanted the whole event to be about them and their journey together. So, we set up 5 different display tables. I was able to sneak 2 boxes of photos out of their house and scanned roughly 300 so we had a lot to choose from. Once I got the photos and frames set, we brought in Ken's sister Amanda. There was still a lot to do and we knew she would be a big help. It took both of us to put this together. Here are a few pics of the final event.This is the pet table. They have always had pets. their current pet is a standard poodle with a Mohawk!! The tt west table! They have an audi TT and love to drive it. Of course, they have always had some sort of race car.

the 4x4 table! Chris and Kirby love to off road. Gotta do a table to show that off!The Christmas table - They build a tree every other year and wrap everything in tin foil! So much fun!!!The Hawaiian shirt table! They always wear Hawaiian shirts. In fact, our only family photo has all of us in Hawaiian shirts. It was so fun. Kirby even wore a Hawaiian shirt and slacks to the event. AAh the food!! What fun. We decided that we didn't want to do a typical buffet. Kirby wanted finger foods so we racked our brains and came up with a Dip Buffet. 8 different dips (clam dip, Cajun shrimp dip, fruit dips, lemon thyme...) and TONS of dippers. It was a hit. It was perfect for the event. We wanted everyone up and milling so we did plates in several different places and little bowls for them to put the dip in. You could grab a plate of dippers and some dips then look at some tables, go back for more, chat with a friend... it was perfect!Here is my baby boy snuggling with Grandma Chris. So cute! It made me cry, I had to duck into the kitchen for a moment. He crawled right over to her chair and played with the wheels then daddy put him in her lap and got this pic. So cute!!

What wonderful examples they are to us. Thanks so much you guys. You are amazing people. We are so lucky. Thanks to everyone that helped make this happen! It was not easy to pull off and it took a lot of help from a lot of people.

Aunti K, Uncle J, Christopher and Dalin

What a great Trip!! We saw estes Park, Went to Dalin's Band concert, I had my first Gelato, Got to know Longmont, Kollin had his first (and second) plane ride... so many great things! We decided not to see Denver and to spend as much time with Krystal and her family as possible. What a wonderful choice! I loved seeing Krystal and Jay in their element! Their home is so welcoming and warm.

Kollin LOVED his Aunti K and his cousins!! He laughed and laughed all weekend. Aunti K was basically Mom #2. I have never seen him warm up to someone as quickly as he did with my sister Krys. There were so many firsts for him with her. He walked in her grass, he allowed Krys to carry him out of a building (until now it had to be me or Ken), he looked at the world cheek to cheek with her (again, only Ken and I get that snuggle), he bit her (he only bites me, I know it is bad I am working on it). Christopher and Dalin got him laughing more times that i can count. They are such great cousins. He loved playing with them.

The main reason we went over was for Krys and Jay's wedding. What a wonderful wedding it was!! Krys was beautiful in her gown. WOW! As soon as I saw her I started to cry (I think Jay did too). The ceremony was so tender. They wrote their own vows! What an honor it was for us to be able to join them in such a tender ceremony. Afterwards they threw one heck of a party!!

Cocktails with a pianist from a piano bar! No stuffy canon in D for them. Bring on Brown eyed girl! Country band for the reception, bbq for food with a kids buffet! That's right, they even thought of the kids and gave them mac n cheese! The night was filled with laughter. What a great night. I even did a little swing dancing with my Brother! Haven't done that in YEARS! I was a little sloppy but Eric made up for it.

Ken and I have been home for a whole day and I miss them already. Why does Colorado have to be so far away???

Grandpa Marble - Born Free in America!

The day before Mother's day my grandfather passed away. He had been struggling a bit for about 6 months to a year but all in all he was doing pretty well. We had just seen him at Easter and he was in good spirits. He even took his wheelchair for a walk around the pavilion. It was quite the shock for me (and many other family members) to have him go so quickly. I am glad we were able to see him at Easter and go up after Mother's day to see the Park and say our farewell.

Grandpa was very proud of being an American. After every prayer, he would have my Uncle Dee start all of us and we would yell "woo hoo! Born Free In America!!" three times. We went to the Play 1776 a few years back. When the play was almost over and they were signing the Declaration of Independence my grandfather stood up and yelled it. I was so embarrassed at the time but now it is a sweet memory I will treasure.

I am so lucky to have this man as my grandfather. He was amazing. I have so many wonderful memories of him tinkering in his shed, playing with us in the grass, driving too fast for Grandma, the coveralls....the list is endless.

If you are ever in Tremonton, stop and see Marble Park. My grand pa built the park. it was an old gravel pit and he converted it into this amazing Park. If you ever wonder where I get my "do it big" personality, it is from him. He couldn't just lay sod and put a swing set, he had to make this! Here are just a few photos.

I love you Grandpa! WOO HOO!! BORN FREE IN AMERICA!! WOO HOO!! BORN FREE IN AMERICA!! WOO HOO!! BORN FREE IN AMERICA!!

Mother's Day

Ok, I know I am a little behind. It is ok to do a little catch up!

For the past 6 years, we have planted the pots in front of my Mother In Laws home for Mother's day. We love going shopping for just the right plants. She loves purple and yellow so we try to make sure there are both those colors in whatever we plant. Here are this year's flowers.

Kollin even helped plant them. It seems as though every time we go over to plant, Chris and Kirby are gone. They come home shortly after we finish. This year was no different. They came home just as we were cleaning up. It was perfect timing. Kollin was able to give Chris a giant snuggle for Mother's Day!!

Easter weekend!

I am learning to let go of the "supposed to's". Kollins first Christmas was supposed to be... kollins first Easter was supposed to be... I am beginning to just let go and let it be what it is, no expectations. What a wonderful weekend it was!!!

First we went to Tremonton for an Easter Egg Hunt. My Grandparents have done an Easter hunter since I was little. It is amazing that it has lasted this long. There is a hunt for the itty bitty ones, one for the older ones, and a scavenger hunt for the even older ones. We all get together and eat and play for a few hours. My Grandpa built the park you see above. It is really cool!

This is the first year we have been to the hunt since I was a teenager. It was wonderful to take Kollin and see him in awe of everything. He even got to spend a little time with his Great Grandpa.

Sunday we woke up and had a little hunt with him at the House. Ken's parents (Grandma Chris and Pop) joined us for the shortest hunt ever. Kollin went right for the basket and ignored all the eggs in front of him. It was so cute!! He will be a better hunter next year (maybe).

Last but not least, we had all of Ken's siblings over for brunch. Everyone was willing to make the trek out on short notice. Kollin loved playing with all of his cousins and Aunts and Uncles. It was a great weekend. Happy Easter Kollin Bear!!

Popeye the sailer man

Well, thanks to my homemade mixes, we have found out that Kollin has a food allergy. He is like his cousin Christopher. No Spinach for Kollin bear. Hopefully this will be his only one. Sorry sweetie, you wont be as strong as Popeye. We love you anyways - tee hee

Not on the grass!!

Kollin is crawling!!! He decided to start crawling about three weeks ago. We are having so much fun adventuring around the house. He has to figure out his world again, this time on his knees.

Since it is spring (not that you would know it with the weather we have been having) I want to take him outside a lot. He loves the outside, the new noises, sights, smells, etc. The only thing he doesn't like is grass. He cannot stand it. I take him outside and sit in the grass with him several times a week but he still doesn't like it. Don't tell Grandpa Marble - the sod farmers grandson doesn't like his product.

Here he is - he freezes in whatever stance he is in and picks up his hand. He will stay there for a while and then start calling out for me. He really doesn't like grass. We will get there. I will have a picnic in the park with him one of these years!

Jab Jab Smash!

Meet Pop

Pop is Kenny's dad. He just has knee surgery (hence the ice pack on his knee) and loves to hang out with Kollin. Kenny and I love to watch the two of them interact. Pop is the only one that Kollin with "snuggle" with (seen in the picture above) other than me or Ken. He will give hugs and such but he will only snuggle in with a few people. It is adorable.

Pop decided to teach Kollin how to box the other day. Kollin stands in his lap and they box. "Jab, Jab, Smash!" Kollin gets the biggest smile! He loves it. Pop now calls him Kollin Ali. Both Ken and I have tried to box with him but be refuses. He will only box with Pop.

I may get a little jealous of this but what is the harm! At least Kirby (Pop) will be the first one to catch his right hook! Jab Jab Smash Pop!

Mother of the Year...NOT

Poor Kollin has been teething for about 8 weeks. I spoke of this in an earlier post. We were super excited when the top two teeth finally popped through on Tuesday. We put away the oragel, Advil and Tylenol with a bit of excitement! HOORAY!! We get to have our KOLLIN back to normal for a bit!! Kollin has been ornery all week and I assumed it was because of his shots. He hasn't been sleeping well either. Both Ken and I have been a little frustrated trying to figure it out. Neither one of us thought to look on the bottom jaw for MORE teeth. That's right, Kollin Bear got yet another tooth on Saturday. He now haw two up top and three on the bottom. Hooray! 5 teeth!! Sorry Kollin Bear, Mom and Dad will do better next time.

6 month Check up!

Yesterday we went to our 6 month check up. He was weighed, measured, and poked. Kollin is so social. He doesn't seem to care that the doctor is checking his joints or the nurse is sticking him with needles. Kollin just thinks they are there to say HI and Play with him.

Kollin is 28" tall (this puts him in the 95th percentile) and 18 lbs (this puts him in the 50th percentile). I knew he was getting really tall but WOW!!! My sweet boy is already into 12 month cloths. The shirts fit him perfectly, the pants fall off him. I asked the doctor if I need to feed him more since he is slowing down in his weight gain, he said no. Kollin is just really active. He is burning off most of what we are feeding him.

He really is pretty active. I just love to play with him. He is already sitting up on his own, getting ready to crawl, talks up a storm, does raspberries and cannot bounce enough. He loves to see everything he can. I have to watch him closely for the tired signs or he would NEVER sleep. It is so much fun!!!!

PS: His upper two teeth are here!!! No more teething....for a month or so.

Do Not Enter!!

Ken and I are so ready for Kollin's upper teeth to come in! He has been teething for 8 weeks. Ear tugs, swollen gums, stuffing everything in his mouth including his arm, slight fever...you name it. I am sure Kollin is ready for them to be here too. Of course, being the cautious parents we are, we don't want to over medicate. A little discomfort never hurt anyone. At the same time, pain isn't any good and you can only handle so much of an upset little guy before you have to medicate for your sanity.

In order to keep the Advil and Tylenol to a minimum I have been checking his temperature every other Diaper change. This means sticking a thermometer where the good lord "split him" and waiting for 90 seconds to get a reading. Kollin has decided he doesn't want me to check his temperature. Every time I put begin to insert the thermometer in his bottom, he starts to push. Yes, he pushes until either I take it out or we have a full diaper of the stinky stuff. This boy makes me laugh daily!!! How lucky am I!!!

special delivery!

HOORAY! My food processor and puree book came last night. Now my Kollin Food making skills can step up a bit. I am so excited! Apparently Kollin is too. We were playing and the box was still unopened in the front room. He couldn't focus on playing at all. He had to see what is in the box. As soon as I opened it, he wanted to get in it and play. Isn't he a cutie!!!

"Jack" has nothing on this little guy!

Does this make me a Hippee??

Kollin Bear has been eating "solids" since he was three months old. It is a little early, you aren't supposed to feed them solids until 4 months, but we had our reasons. The main one, Ken wanted to be able to feed him and get that bonding time. It is so much fun to watch them together. Kollin gets it everywhere. Ken is doing his best to keep the clothes clean and food off the floor to no avail!

Ken and I cook everything from scratch, well almost everything. Pizza gets thrown in the mix from time to time. It didn't make sense to us to purchase prepared baby food chock full of preservatives. We make our own at home instead. It is so much fun. A few times I week I mash up sweet potatoes, bananas, pears, peas.....the list is endless. I love to watch him enjoy what we have made for him. The only thing he eats out of the box is rice cereal. I am sure there is a way to make that but I haven't looked into it.

Now kollin is getting bored of the rice cereal and one flavor foods. HOORAY!! I get to start mixing up different veggies and fruits together!!! Onto the food processor! I just bought a book (and food processor) on line with different baby food purees. I am giddy about it! I check the tracking every day for the arrival. it wont get here until Monday or Tuesday but maybe just maybe it will come early. Come on UPS!!!!!

Recycling, breast feeding, home made baby food...what is next? Dread locks??

Cars, cars and More cars!

Kollin is growing up so quickly. I know i keep saying that but he is. This first year is full of so many new things. Kollin has been "experimenting" with sitting on his own for a while now. he often sits in front on me or Ken and plays for a bit. Once he figures out he is sitting on his own and neither one of us is holding him, he flings himself backwards and into our arms. He lacks the confidence i guess.

For Christmas, Pop and Grandma Chris gave him this "bus". it is one that he can sit on, with an empty seat for toys, buttons to push, and a back rest he can hold onto and walk behind. he has loved sitting on it but always leaned back as far as he could for the support. just last week, he decided to sit up all on his own! Look how cute! He is sitting on it trying to figure out how to get to the buttons. (Yes, he is pant less. He got them really messy about an hour before bedtime and I saw no point in putting new ones one. Either dirty pants or no pants - I vote no pants)

Later that week we went to Pop and grandma Chris's. They have a little Red Audi and purchased a matching one for the grand kids. Kollin showed them how awesome he is and sat on that too! He grabbed the steering wheel and tried to push the horn.

Look at him go!! He is so happy! I just love to see these "milestones". Now he sits and plays all on his own. I will sit across from him and play with him. I am still "base camp" from time to time but I am good with that.

Next step... Crawling!

Am I a lucky Girl or What!?!?!?

I am finally taking the leap and quitting Creative. You read that right, the woman who swore she could never be a "stay home Mom" is going to "stay home" and be a MOM!!!

What prompted the change? Well, being a Mom did. I sit at work and watch Kollin play all day. He plays with all of his toys and looks for mommy for reassurance. The more I work, the less I am able to spend time with him. It has been a rough couple of months trying to be a good mom and a good worker. Finally, I got so stressed out when he rolled over at work. I realized, i can be a good Mom or a good worker. I cannot do both well. Kollin is more important to me so....let the real work begin!!

This Friday, the 25th of February, is my last Day. I am a little nervous about the change but I know it will be better for our family in the long run. Here goes nothing!

Thanks sweetie for being so willing to do this. Ken has been super supportive through out this change. He sees the value in having Kollin my full time job but also realizes that I have to want this or I will not enjoy it as much. He sat down with me right after Kollin was born and we did the finances so I could see our options when/if I made this decision. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Thank you sweetie!!!