Loving the process of Life

Kollin is an "only" child... as you all know.  We love him with all our hearts and cannot imagine life without him.  The past two years have been a struggle for us in the child arena though.  While we love being Kollin's parents we would love to give him a sibling.  Two years of struggling on this front has worn us out enough to say...we need a break or we might be done trying.  There is no shame in this. 

This complicated decision has changed a lot in me.  I have stopped beating myself up for what I cannot provide him and started loving what my day to day life is.  Having an "only" child has so many negative stigma's attached to it. I had a hard time getting over them.  Now I see them for what they are...possibilities.  Once I become down about one stigma or the other I find another one that I love.

For instance:  this weekend Ken and I worked on the back splash in our kitchen.  Well, Ken worked on it all weekend. I got to play with Kollin.  Ken needed some help Sunday for about an hour so I had to convince Kollin it was OK to be by himself for a bit.  This is a struggle.  No three year old wants to play by themselves.  Most other children have a built in "playmate" in their siblings so Mom and Dad can have time to focus on something if needed. We are Kollin's built in playmate. This got me down.  If only we were successful and had another child, Kollin wouldn't need a playmate in me and Ken so much. He would also have that "confidant" when he gets older.  My siblings and I were each other's safe place.  We could talk about what "unfair" thing our parents were doing or vent about something in school or a friend. Out built in friend to go to whenever we needed it.  A single child doesn't have this.  I was kind of sad and self reflective a good part of the day.

Monday changed everything!  Kollin gets to go to gymnastics on Monday (something we may not be able to provide for him if we had more than one child).  As I sit in the room, watching him through the glass, I notice that I am one of the only people laughing and enjoying all that is going on in class.  Why is that?  Because almost every other parent in there had another child to share their attention.  I was able to soak up every minute of his class, his silliness, his shoving match, everything!  While another child is a blessing it also would have taken away from being completely present with my little man.  I would miss so much just because I had to share my focus. Some consider this Spoiled. I consider it lucky and loved.

It is funny how life works.  I get down about something and it steals away some of my daily joy if I allow it to.  If I wait for a bit,  something equally as exciting will happen to restore it.  Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Stereotypes

Being a parent of an only child has me thinking a lot of this specific stereotype.  An only child is: not social, not good at sharing, doesn't do well in team sports, will never have a successful adult relationship, the parents spoil them, the parents are too involved..... the list is endless.  Some of them are little out there but you get the idea. 

We are currently researching schools for Kollin.  One of the first questions they ask is how many kids we have.  I don't know exactly why but it seems like a key question.  It makes me wonder if they are immediately seeing him as the stereotypical only child. 

No one wants their child to be typecast. My life for him consist of fighting those stereotypes.  He is social, he makes compromises, he listens well to authority figures, he plays well with other children, he is a good kid. There are a lot of things we are able to do because we have "only one" that others are not able to do. We are so very thankful for this.

As I fight this stereotype it makes me think of the ones I have fought for myself.  The stereotypical girl/woman, the stay-at-home mom/working mom, Mormon/Non Mormon, tattoos, supporter of gay (human) rights... again, the list is endless.  We all have things we have to struggle with to make us who we are.  We learn from our past and build on it to make a better future.

My hope is that I will be able to rise above ALL stereotypes. I want to know people for who they truly are; not what I believe they should be.

I am enough

I have spent a lot of time getting used to being me.  Me changes. Sometimes I am Kollin's mom, Ken's wife, That girl, Aunt Angie, Sister in law, friend.  One thing I always am, is Changing.  I have had to learn to accept myself for who I am and not beat myself up over what I am not or who I am not pleasing today or my past mistakes/choices.

Society, family, friends... you name it: they are constantly judging me for who they believe me to be. Then they act accordingly toward me.  I am a mom of ONLY one child, I am not religiously affiliated, I have tattoos, I drink on very rare occasions, I am skinny, I am mostly vegan.... the list is endless.  Play dates are not fun because all the moms do is compare to find out who is better at what, how their child excels over mine. I hate comparisons. Why can't we all see that we are all doing what is best for our families with the tools we have? 

My therapist (yes, I have been seeing a therapist), told me to read a book by Brene Brown called "The gifts of Imperfections".  It is all about accepting yourself for who you are, cultivating joy, and living with your whole heart.  In order to do this you have to truly love yourself and be willing to be vulnerable and judged. This book reached out to me in so many ways.


Last night, I did a guided mediation. I set out to meet my future self. As I went down my path I decided I didn't want to meet my future self today.  Instead I decided to take a small side path and enjoy it for all the beauty there was. I love meditation and the peace it gives me.

Today: I am enough.  I love my life. I love being a mom of one (this is big for me).