Kollin is an "only" child... as you all know. We love him with all our hearts and cannot imagine life without him. The past two years have been a struggle for us in the child arena though. While we love being Kollin's parents we would love to give him a sibling. Two years of struggling on this front has worn us out enough to say...we need a break or we might be done trying. There is no shame in this.
This complicated decision has changed a lot in me. I have stopped beating myself up for what I cannot provide him and started loving what my day to day life is. Having an "only" child has so many negative stigma's attached to it. I had a hard time getting over them. Now I see them for what they are...possibilities. Once I become down about one stigma or the other I find another one that I love.
For instance: this weekend Ken and I worked on the back splash in our kitchen. Well, Ken worked on it all weekend. I got to play with Kollin. Ken needed some help Sunday for about an hour so I had to convince Kollin it was OK to be by himself for a bit. This is a struggle. No three year old wants to play by themselves. Most other children have a built in "playmate" in their siblings so Mom and Dad can have time to focus on something if needed. We are Kollin's built in playmate. This got me down. If only we were successful and had another child, Kollin wouldn't need a playmate in me and Ken so much. He would also have that "confidant" when he gets older. My siblings and I were each other's safe place. We could talk about what "unfair" thing our parents were doing or vent about something in school or a friend. Out built in friend to go to whenever we needed it. A single child doesn't have this. I was kind of sad and self reflective a good part of the day.
Monday changed everything! Kollin gets to go to gymnastics on Monday (something we may not be able to provide for him if we had more than one child). As I sit in the room, watching him through the glass, I notice that I am one of the only people laughing and enjoying all that is going on in class. Why is that? Because almost every other parent in there had another child to share their attention. I was able to soak up every minute of his class, his silliness, his shoving match, everything! While another child is a blessing it also would have taken away from being completely present with my little man. I would miss so much just because I had to share my focus. Some consider this Spoiled. I consider it lucky and loved.
It is funny how life works. I get down about something and it steals away some of my daily joy if I allow it to. If I wait for a bit, something equally as exciting will happen to restore it. Happy Happy Joy Joy!
